I just got back from the grocery store for the Thanksgiving shopping. And man, what a difference a few years, and a concerted effort to change makes.

Now, for those of you who read Overwhelmed, particularly chapter 8, “The Stalled Gender Revolution,” you know that I hit the wall one Thanksgiving a few years ago.

Here’s a brief excerpt:

It is 2 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day. In three hours, eighteen friends will
arrive for the feast we’ve been hosting for years. In the previous days,
while I worked full- time, I’d looked for recipes, planned the menu, put
together a shopping list, and gone to the grocery store three times. I’d
obsessed on finding a tablecloth and raced around on my lunch breaks
to find one. I’d hauled folding tables and chairs from a friend’s basement
late one evening. I’d baked pies with all the children who would
be coming over. I’d stayed up late several nights in a row chopping vegetables
and prepping for the elaborate dishes I love to cook and get
around to only once a year. That morning, I’d made a quick breakfast
for friends before we all dashed off to run the neighborhood Turkey
Trot. I am still in my sweaty running clothes. The twenty- pound turkey
is still pink and raw, waiting to go in the oven. The table is still not set,
and the kitchen, covered in pots and pans, mounds of vegetables, spilled
flour, and all manner of foodstuff , looks like a bomb has gone off.

Tom strolls over to the refrigerator. I think he’s about to start cooking
the turkey. He pulls out a six- pack of beer.

“I’m going to go over and help Peter cook his turkey,” he announces.

I raise an eyebrow. “Peter’s putting his turkey in a smoker. So you’re
going to go and sit on the patio in the sun, drink beer, and watch  Peter’s
smoker?” I ask in disbelief. Tom smiles sheepishly. And walks out the
door.

That Thanksgiving, It finally hit me, hard, how blindly both Tom and had succumbed to the old movies playing in our heads. He worked. I was supposed to take care of home, hearth and kids, right?  AND work – what sociologist Arlie Hochschild called The Second Shift.  AND create holiday magic. Which I’ve taken to calling the Third Shift.

Tom may have “helped,” but that didn’t take any cognitive load off my already overstuffed brain, trying to organize and keep track of all the housework and stuff to do, not to mention taking care of the kids. Forget having it all, I wrote in Overwhelmed, it felt like I was doing it all.

It took that fateful Thanksgiving to realize how ridiculously unfair our division of labor had gotten.

As I’ve told the story in interviews and in talks around the country in the past couple months, I’ve seen a lot of heads nodding. (I write more about how the Holidays have traditionally been a time of overwhelm for women and how some couples are seeking out a third path in Merry Stressmas. Check out ThirdPath Institute’s website – they have lots of great resources to help couples struggling to strike the right balance.)

Fast forward to today.

A few weeks ago, we got together as a family to talk about what we’d like for Thanksgiving day – not Martha Stewart, not the ghosts of Thanksgivings and old traditions past.

I really like baking pies with all the kids the day before Thanksgiving. We all really like running the neighborhood Turkey Trot Thanksgiving morning. We like sharing the day with friends – since family lives 3,000 miles away. But I no longer want to be in the kitchen all day, alone, a little pissed off that I’m alone, barking orders, and stressed out.

So we decided to keep it simple. Set common standards. And share the load.

We decided: Easy family breakfast. One family over for dinner. Other friends over later in the evening for pie and charades. If it’s cold enough, we’ll have a bonfire in the backyard.

We planned the menu together. No more elaborate dishes with complicated recipes that no one but me eats. We wrote out all the work that needed to be done and divided up tasks. Tom and I went out for a glass of wine around the corner on Saturday, and bought bottles of red and white then, saving a later trip. We all put in an hour raking leaves and sweeping the back porch over the weekend – and Tom was the one who put in overtime. The leaves from the pin oak out front keep falling, carpeting the lawn afresh, But I figure, my friends – and I – will live if they wade through leaves to get to the front door.

I already have my perfect tablecloth (see excerpt, above!) Liam put the extra leaves in the table. Tessa is gathering flowers for decoration.

Tonight, we all went to the grocery store together, which made the trip fast, festive, and even a little fun. Tom’s doing the stuffing this year. It’s going to come out of a box. The kitchen counters are again exploding with spices, bowls, pumpkin puree, apples, chocolate and flour – awaiting the chaos and the laughter of all the kids – now teenagers – who will come to bake pies tomorrow. (They have the day off. I’m starting work early to take a break mid-day.)

I hope we get into another flour fight.

People laugh and nod their heads in recognition whenever I tell the Thanksgiving story. But, really, it’s no laughing matter. Arguing over housework and what feels patently unfair – and being unable to resolve it – is one of the biggest reasons why relationships break up. It doesn’t have to get to 50-50. It just has to work for your particular situation, and what feels fair to you both.

So here’s Seven Housework Equality Hacks for Thanksgiving and beyond:

*Pause. Step off the gerbil wheel long enough to ask yourself – are you both living in some version of a 1950s movie playing in your head? (Most of us are. As much as younger men are changing, women are still doing about twice the housework and child care, even when working full time, and expected to be the one to “flex” and take the secondary career or opt out to care for kids, and the mental labor of keeping track of it all.)

*Talk. About the old movies you may not have realized were playing. And what the movie looks like that you’d rather be starring in.

*Figure out the work that needs to be done in your own fairer, happier movie. Write it out if you have to. Set common standards. Share the load. Get the kids involved – studies have found age-appropriate chores can help foster autonomy, responsibility and empathy.

*Automate it, so housework isn’t something you ever have to argue about again, or continue to negotiate – which is exhausting. Tom and I started small. I empty the dishwasher. He loads. Last one out of bed makes it.

*Don’t rescue. Women can spend up to five hours a week redoing chores they think a partner has done badly. That’s where common standards and setting reasonable deadlines come in. Once they’re set, men, step up. Women, back off.

*Change is possible even if just one of you is committed to it. Remember psychologist Catherine Birndorf’s Relationship Equation:

A + B = C

If A changes, and becomes A prime, the relationships changes, and becomes C prime.
Then B, eventually, may be more likely to change as well.

*Keep trying. Get it wrong. Get it right. Keep each other accountable. And keep aiming for the fairer, happier movie you dream of, with more time for life, for each other and for fun.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

I wrote Overwhelmed to start and elevate the conversation about how we work, love and play. Keep the conversation going with me as I write for The Washington Post. I welcome all story ideas and feedback. Follow me on Twitter @BrigidSchulte, check out the resources on my website, brigidschulte.com, (See the video of Tom and I talking about the Thanksgiving story under the LOVE tab.)
And read, share and comment on my stories in the Washington Post! Please share this link: http://www.washingtonpost.com/people/brigid-schulte

(Check out the story I wrote recently on Patagonia, and how the company is staying true to founder Yvon Chouinard’s motto: Let my People Go Surfing, even as they’ve doubled in size, tripled in profits and gone global.)

We are starting a cool new feature: Time Hack. Share your story. Spread the word:

Your time is your life. Do you want to be more productive? Tackle a project you’ve been putting off? Exercise, pursue a hobby, make more time to connect with family or friends? Let us help you find time in your busy schedule to achieve your most important goal. If we think your case will resonate with our readers, we’ll match you with one of our productivity experts to put you on track toward success.  We’ll then share your story on The Washington Post site so others can learn from your experience. 

A quick update on the book:

The Washington Post named Overwhelmed one of the 50 notable nonfiction books of 2014!

Goodreads nominated Overwhelmed as one of the Best Business Books of the year!

A piece I wrote on busyness and Millennial women has just come out in the December issue of Self magazine.

And I’ve just finished another round updating research for the paperback, which comes out in March, 2015!


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